Timothy Joslyn

 I was 10 years old when I joined. The scout master was a pedophile. He molested three of the guy's from my class at school. He tried to with me. I saved myself by quitting. That's all I want to remember today. He still owes me for a sleeping bag I never received from the scout store. He's a fucking creep. When we were learning CPR he tried to get us all to french kiss him because artificial Annie was broken and if we didn't he wouldn't certify our life saving certificates. I got my certificate. He all but had sex with Berry on the church floor where he was teaching mouth to mouth. He was always running his hands up and down my back. Really creep me out. Probably why I don't like to be touched by others. OK I can talk about the camping trip now for a little bit anyway. We went camping in the middle of winter at a park in Mountour falls. Ok I still can't write it all. He roofied me and I woke in our tent with no underwear or pajamas and a sore ass. ENOUGH ...

 After my mom had her implant removed she received an extension from the governor so that she could sue the manufacturers of her multiple failed implants. Well the wife of one of the manufacturers CEO's (Dow Corning) sued because the silicone nodules made it painful for her to smoke a cigarette. She received $25,000,000. So we hoped for at least a million. Page (one of the lawyers working for Ray Schulater) said that we had already won one of the suits for 5 million and that we were waiting for the judge to release the payment. Then of course the corporations paid off the government so they could declare bankruptcy and not have to pay for their crimes. So Schulater brow beat my mom into signing away her right to sue and to be placed in the bogus class action BS for 15 years. At least that was my opinion when it happened. More on this later. Mom and I would walk downtown to Montour falls for recreation (because we couldn't afford gas for the car). It's about five miles away ...

 So the politicians and their scientists are worried about children developing depression and anxiety from being forced to take school lessons via computers. We have a nut case with his finger on the nuclear button in Russia and we are worried because some kids had to social distance to save their life's. In fifth grade when every other little boy was drawing cars; I was drawing bomb shelters and trying to invent a positive airflow system so my mom wouldn't die from fallout. I used to sneak out of the house and walk the streets all night because I was afraid to sleep. I had my own copy of the geological survey map for central NY so I could calculate the safe altitude of a nuclear blast over the surrounding cities that would keep my home safe from the blast wave. 400' BTW. A large reason for me being so screwed up can be traced directly to the mammoth amount of anxiety I was under from my government and the rest of the nuclear crazy's out there. I couldn't get into s...

  Mom wanted chili for breakfast today. She used her walker to go to the bathroom with only minimal help from me. We sat out on the front porch for most of the morning listening to our willows whisper.  She wanted to know where I would travel to if I could. Or more likely she wants to know what I am going to do when she is gone and I have no-place to go. I told her that I would travel the world and see all the places we have talked about. I lied. I will probably end my days cold and lonely under a bridge someplace. I screwed up. Somehow I missed paying the garbage bill for the last three months(counting this month) and Cardinal will not let me pay online. So I guess I need to find a new garbageman. I know why. I've been on the run going back and forth to hospitals like a chicken with its head cut off and missed that confirmation button when I made the payments. Not really an excuse. But they haven't been that great of a service anyway. You can't count on what time t...

I watch the fog rolling down the valley. Like a cup leaking from the bottom, the mists seem to flow down the sides of my valley revealing those living there. One by one the houses appear. As I watch I lose myself in thought. My memories are like this fog. It starts with a small glimpse of an object. I concentrate on the unknown thing I see inside my memory. What is it? Slowly it gains definition. A shape: a spiral? I concentrate and it comes into focus: A spring? With this the flood gates open. I see the playground. I smell the grass. I feel the warmth on my skin. The sun is out. The sky is blue! I see kids playing. One by one I recognize the faces. I know them. What are their names? Then we’re laughing, the girls are screaming in pretend fear as we chase them! “MMmmm!” smacking my lips like I’m going to kiss her! Donna and Michelle duck under a picnic table! With my turtle I chase them! “My turtles gonna Kiss You!” Did they like me or was it my turtle? Well, my turtle was prett...

Dad Yes, it’s my fault again! Howard did the drugs; Howard put himself in the hospital! But it’s my fault! Gail calls me and I tell her she should tell the truth. My dad has mild dementia! He’s not stupid! If you lie, he will find out sooner or later. I will not lie to him! So, I say nothing to him about where mom has gone! My mom comes home and confirms Gail’s report. “Mom you shouldn’t lie.” I tell her. “If you lie, mark my words, somehow it will be your fault!” “I’ll give you to next week then I am going to tell dad the truth about Howard OD'ing on heroin.” I didn’t need to. Gail called dad and spilled the whole story the next morning! “Well, it wasn’t the first time” Dad said he knew of another O.D. too! Then they came down on Gail like a “ton” of bricks! Well of course! She should have lied! He was a Boy Scout leader! They want nothing to do with her! After all she did the right thing! But she knows too many secrets…too many skeletons from their closet! They have to use k...

      So, I faced my daemons (or at least the one I remember) I did the hardest task that has ever befallen a person in history to do. The trials of Hercules were like lifting a feather in comparison to what I did. What did I do? I remembered and “told” someone. I had just been shot and my memory is full of holes. I realize most are from my injury, however many were made by myself, so that I could survive my life. I remembered my cousin raping me at the creek. I tried to hide it, bury it, and forget it. But now I couldn’t stop re-living it every time I tried to sleep. So, I had my mother drive me to the outreach program that was next to Saint Mary’s. I do not know where the strength I had came from. I do know that I couldn’t have talked without it. Yet somehow it was there and I talked. I don’t remember how long. When I was done my mother took me home. I slept for 3 days. I went to counseling but it couldn’t help. After all, how many men do you know who have been raped? A...

It was the Halloween before I was shot. I was alone as usual. Kevin had moved to Rochester so no friends. My family is convinced that I am beating up my dad and haven’t been shy of telling anyone who will carry the story. I must be a real pro at it as I leave no marks on him. As if with these huge ham hocks that are my fists wouldn’t bruse him. I did throw a plastic spoon at him once and it stuck in his arm! Just a regular plastic spoon, not a spork, and from about 20 feet away too. A billion to one shot. Yet I can’t pick a winning lotto number. Go figure. Well…. Everything was being destroyed or is falling apart for me. They blamed me for getting my mom and dad to move back home. We lived better here on welfare than we lived in Florida with me working a full-time job! At least we didn’t have to eat milk and rice everyday anymore. And mom had the implant that ruptured removed and was healing slowly from the silicon poisoning from the burst breast implant. Breast Cancer Sucks. The ...

 We lost our home. My mom got sick an could not work. The taxes where not paid and we lost our home. Dad sold it for a fraction of what it was worth; before they stole it for a couple of thousand. Of all the properties on the list, only ours was actually going to be taken. They refused to let us make payments. They refused our cash to pay any part of it. We went to Florida. I had to use my college loan to get us there. My family assured my mom and dad that I could finish college there. They would even help because I had to use my college money to move us there. Brevard collage was just down the road! It may as well have been on the moon for all the help I got. And our “house” was just a few blocks from the beach! That is if you didn’t count the five miles and two highways between us. And the neighbors are really friendly! Yes, with Brevard corrections facility a hundred yards up the road. They lied. They thought that mom would get her disability from international salt for the rest...

Then God showed just how much he hated me. My dying Grandmother made me promise to take care of his grave. She asked me to go over to my aunt's house and ask for four hundred dollars of her social security. I didn’t know what she had planned. So, I couldn’t tell them what she wanted it for. I was so angry inside! And so were my aunt’s. I had to respect her last wish and take care of Lucifer’s grave! What was their excuse? Get the car you’re taking me shopping. So, we drove off down town. “Go up to the theater!” …. ok maybe she wanted to see one last movie? “Park right here!” out came Mr. Hours with a big piece of paper. “This is the same kind of stone you and your husband have.” “I put “Sonny” on the top just like we talked about on the phone.” “Do you want to come inside and see it?” “No, I trust you.” “Here’s the money” “Now that covers everything?” “Yes, this will cover everything.” “Tim there’s one other thing I want you to promise.” “Promise you will make sure he looks nice.” ...

My uncle was a pedophile. He molested his own kids and Kari and Cathy. He killed himself in prison and he destroyed the last chance I had for happiness. He deserved worse. I was crushed. I ran away inside myself. I couldn’t save her. I wasn’t able to save myself. How could I save her? I hated my uncle; if he were alive, I would have killed him myself! I had no place to put the rage inside me, so I ran away inside myself! I could contain it inside! 

She was like sunshine to me. I felt alive when I was with her! I felt that maybe there is a god. And maybe he doesn’t hate me. I thought she was the one who would save me! I won’t tell how we rode home from the auction. How I, for the second and last time in my life got to second base. My impossible dream with Cathy: I wanted to be with her, have a nice house and car, a boat and 2 children,a boy and a girl. I wanted to spend my life with her growing old together and in time leaving this world with her by my side. I wanted to give her all of my love and spoil her with everything I could possibly give her. A nice but impossible dream because she did not want me. The pieces of my heart are like the stars in the sky, to many to count, and too far away to put back together. All I have is a picture that she gave uncle Bob.

My brother had just destroyed my faith in the words, “I love you”. My friend, Maxine’s brother, had befriended me like Caesars friends had helped him. Only I didn’t die from my stab wounds. At least not all of me had died. I was at Uncle Frank’s for one reason or another. I was almost taken in. I was lonely and hurt and an easy target. I was at a picnic or other. At the time I really wasn’t paying attention. When Maxine grabbed me by the arm and pulled me toward the bedroom. We were alone and she said she wanted to have sex with me. Well, when she first arrived in NY, I thought she was interested in me. But then she changed and went after others. I was at a real low point. So, I said OK! What virgin wouldn’t? It wasn’t like I was asked to have sex every day. I should have known something was going on, but as I said, I was in a low point, barely paying attention to what was going on around me. Well, we went to her room, where we would copulate. There was no foreplay so this would be...

I was 15.  We were going to the movies! I had a date! Michelle from up the road! Every time she walked by, she said “I love you!” Someone LOVED ME! The night came. Raymond didn’t have a date. Hard to believe as every girl in the family was fucking him. So, Michelle called one of her friends. The girl wasn’t pretty. That was Peggy’s doing. Raymond and Peggy lived together at Peggy’s house. My Aunt allowed it although Peggy was only thirteen! We drove into Elmira. I was so happy! Michelle sat on my lap in the truck! I was fifteen and only Raymond had a license to drive. We would go get some marijuana, so what, if that’s what it takes to have Michelle love me, so be it! Raymond was being a prick. He laid out a plan, on how we would take them parking and how we would switch. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he was jealous of me being with the best-looking girl! But what he didn’t know was that Michelle’s friend was listening to him. He hurt her feelings bad. So, we left for home. All the way ho...

“He was such a beautiful little boy in kindergarten.” “What happened?” They didn’t even care that they said it in front of me. They were choosing pictures for the yearbook. It was my sophomore year in high school and they were doing a retrospective on our class. “He doesn’t even look like this kid.” “How can someone change so much?” “And not for the good either!” I turned them off. I pushed the hurt away and turned them off. I remembered years ago; the school wouldn’t let me study anything except basic math. I checked out a book on algebra, it was a self-teaching book. You would solve the problem and move to the page that matched your answer. I walked home. I wouldn’t ride the bus. Even if I were late for school, I wouldn’t put myself through that again. It was just a few days before that my art teacher had callously stabbed me in the heart. I was sitting at the kitchen table drawing floor plans for an octagon house. There was a large central room with eight smaller octagons connecting...

In fifth grade my parent’s signed me up for a military band that was sponsored by my mom’s place of employment, International Salt. Well really, they signed me up because Birdy wanted to be a baton twirler and our families didn’t want her to be on the bus alone. I was very overweight from eating my problems. My parents thought it was good idea and that I could lose some weight and maybe find some new friends. The kids in the band were the same ones I went to school with. They didn’t like me there so what reason would the like me here? Well to keep me inline my brother joined too although he could only be in it for one year because of his age. His excuse was that he was going to keep me inline because you know what kind of a spoiled brat I was. The real reason; Full of teen and pre-teen girls he could get hooked on drugs and fuck them when they’re too high to say no. He was only around me when we went home so he could tell mom and dad my latest offense to the human race. So righ...

Seventh grade! Our middle school is about 4 blocks from our high school. Or at least it was. Now they have combined our elementary, middle, and high school into one large complex. But at this time, it was still three separate buildings each about 4 blocks apart. It was swimming season in gym class at the middle school (5th to 8th grades) and we had to walk to the high school to use the pool. Did I mention this was in the middle of winter with 3 to 4 feet of snow? Anyways I love to swim. It’s the only time my body isn’t something I have to fight with just to keep up. At this time, I didn’t know that I had medical problems with my neck, back, and hips. I just bought into what everyone else used as an excuse. He’s lazy, he’s a lard ass, he’s just a fat, lazy, loser. That kind of thing and no my doctor was not at all interested in my complaints. And my friends, Who do you think was calling me “lard ass”? Well for whatever reason either budget, or just laziness, the athlete’s foot spray...

You should be ashamed of yourself! I was feeling sick and didn’t want to sit at the bowling alley while dad and mom bowled. You’re the cause of all the problems in this house! You’re so fucking selfish! I was 9 years old; I can stay by myself! You go to your party! Just leave me alone! Because of you I can’t go to the party! Then the fists flew…not in my face…that would leave a mark he couldn’t explain! Get out of this house you little bastard! You go apologize to mom and dad! You’re a fucking looser! Thrown head first off the porch into the snow. Get out of here! Apologize to mom and dad; “Because I can’t go to the party!” Push myself up. Start walking towards town. The snow burns my bare feet. My arms are so cold! That’s right get the fuck out of here you piece of shit! Out of our yard…Almost to the neighbors…An arm around my throat…kicked in the side! Get your ass back to that house! More kicks…more hits…Leave me alone! I was going to apologize! Thrown in my room! You say one word a...

Young Timmy rode the bus alone. Cast out to the seat behind the driver for talking too loudly. A punishment he didn’t deserve. For Timmy never said a word that day. Shut up Timmy you’re too loud! Shut up Timmy don’t sing with the radio! He looked out the window as the other children shook the bus with their banter and shouts. From the driver; “Shut up Timmy or I’ll kick you off!” He didn’t cry although his heart was broke. No tears showed the damage they did. Shut up Timmy or I’ll report you to the school. You can’t disrupt the bus like this! If I have to stop this bus, you’ll be sorry! Not a word did he say. Not a tear did he shed. Shut up Timmy your home is just ahead! He had suffered like this for months on end. “Shut up Timmy” even from my closest friend. His family would not believe him when he said “they pick on me.” This day however would not be like the others. For sitting behind him his sister was watching. You see I didn’t say one word at all. And now I could prove it. I...

Pull down your pants! He held me by my throat! Pull them down now! His voice is dangerous! He’ll hurt me if I don’t! And were at the creek! No-One will hear me! He may kill me this time! I have to. Lay on your stomach! Lay down! He pushes me down! I start to cry to myself! Keep quiet… he’ll kill me! Don’t make a sound! He moves against me he pushes himself in! “This here’s Corn holing!” “It feels great!” “Well maybe not for you!” He’s laughing and pushing in me! “You’re a fucking’ freak!” “Maybe I’ll crush your skull when I’m done!” “OH God, make it stop!” “OH God Help Me Please!” “Help me please.” …no-one hears. He’s done. My brother walks up the creek as I try to dress. “What are you faggots up to?” They walk away laughing. But Randy comes back. He punches me. I double up in pain. “You tell anyone I’ll finish what I started!” he kicks me into the creek. He runs to catch up to Rick. Their laughing mocks me as they disappear down the creek. I wash in the creek. I scrub and scrub. I am ...

 A while ago I was walking in the cemetery checking on Grandmas grave. I noticed a cross with a photo embedded in it. The cross is white and stands about a foot and a half tall. There is a scroll that wraps around the base to the top with “In Loving Memory of Penny Wager” cut into the stone. I looked at her face and “I remembered her!” For me that’s an accomplishment as I have trouble remembering my own family’s names at times and people, I went to school with are usually a total blank. I remembered the Maricle family. I remembered Dawn and Julie. Dawn was in kindergarten with me. I think Julie was in head start. I remembered my cousin and brother were visiting the Maricle family. We “Kids” were not allowed to go upstairs because the older kids were doing grownup stuff. So, Dawn, Julie, and I were playing in the living room and kitchen. We grew hungry and wanted one of the “big” kids to make us some toast. I don’t remember whether they did or not. A memory full of holes ...

 I watch the fog rolling down the valley. Like a cup leaking from the bottom, the mists seem to flow down the sides of my valley revealing those living there. One by one the houses appear. As I watch I lose myself in thought. My memories are like this fog. It starts with a small glimpse of an object. I concentrate on the unknown thing I see inside my memory. What is it? Slowly it gains definition. A shape: a spiral? I concentrate and it comes into focus: A spring? With this the flood gates open. I see the playground. I smell the grass. I feel the warmth on my skin. The sun is out. The sky is blue! I see kids playing. One by one I recognize the faces. I know them. What are their names? Then we’re laughing, the girls are screaming in pretend fear as we chase them! “MMmmm!” smacking my lips like I’m going to kiss her! Donna and Michelle duck under a picnic table! With my turtle I chase them! “My turtles gonna Kiss You!” Did they like me or was it my turtle? Well, my turtle was ...

We were at the park! A field day! I go to the teacher, “I have to go potty.” She ignores me. The “important” kids have her attention. I go to the other adults. “I have to go potty.” “In a minuet I’m busy.” … “Look at the donkey!” … “Hold still now; wait till I take your picture!” The teacher again, “I have to go really bad!” “Stop making such a fuss! Get in line for the class picture!” “But I have to go!” “You’ll wait till after the picture!” We line up. Snap, a picture of me wetting my pants. “You’re such a bad kid!” “Why didn’t you ask?” “Go that way…I’m not washing your dirty ass!” “Get going!” She growls at me. A police officer stands next to the carousel bathroom; “What’s wrong little guy why are you crying?” “Oh, he just had a little accident!” “We’re just going to clean him up a bit officer.”  She scrubs my clothing and soaks my shorts in the sink. “You’re such a little pig!” “Nock that crying off or I’ll give you something to cry about!” “You’re going to wear these wet ...

  And isn’t it amazing how much of your head will fit in a dog's mouth when it mauls you?                        I’m hiding under the bed again…. It must be Christmas! I hope mom ducks this time. Sue is calling the cops. Or is it New Years? Have you ever been happy? Have you watched a sun rise just because it was there? Have you smiled at children so engrossed in a game that they don’t even see you watching? Have you seen the red planet at night and thought; how did it get there? Have you seen two lovers kiss and wondered what is it like? Have you seen a baby hold your finger tight? Have you ever cried from a movie that you watched all alone? Have you ever been happy? I think I have at least once or twice. I just wish I could remember…  Faith is; Thinking that your turn will come: someday. Thinking other people will not hurt you if you don’t give them a reason to. Thinking th...

  Randy me in the bucket Rick It was dark! The air smelled bad. The bucket had fallen off the sticks. I couldn’t move my arms or legs. They said they would UN-bury me. They lied! I screamed for help. Nothing, I couldn’t hear a sound. I cried for my mother. Nothing, she was in the house too far away. Dad was at work! Where did Rick and Randy go? They said we would take turns! The darkness was pushing in on me. I couldn’t breathe! I was falling into the darkness, spinning round and round. I was going to die buried under a bucket. A spark burst inside my mind! No, I won’t die like this! Move your fingers as much as you can. “Move them!” I heard the voice in my head screaming. A little, they moved a little! Now move your other hand! I did. For an eternity, I moved my fingers, my wrist, my arm, just a little at a time pushing the sand away. Now move your hand onto your chest! The sand sucked at my flesh but I slowly did it. You have to move the bucket! Move the sand around your neck! Yo...

Well first you get a little kid. Make sure he’s small enough not to have a very large vocabulary so he can’t tell. Then you get a rubber spider. Next place a nail or other sharp object in the spider! Place the spider on the floor. Now yell that the spider is going to get the kids mommy if he doesn’t stomp on it! Now remember you really have to stay close to the kid. Bam! The kid drives the nail through his foot! Now quickly gab the kid and stuff your hands over the nose and mouth so that the adults down stairs can’t hear the screams of agony! Feel free to throw him to the ground and stuff his favorite stuffed rabbit (given to me on my 1st birthday by Aunt carol)in his face too. After all it’s all about the fun! When the kid stops thrashing around, and if he’s still breathing, then run outside to a porch or other safe hiding spot. Wait till the kid drags himself halfway down stairs and yell “Tim just stepped on a nail!”, as you quickly hide the spider! What a fun day! Best results req...

Cars are amazing! They can fly you to the moon or spin you through the skies! Or be a sub marine! Even if you can’t reach the peddles it’s all magic! Flip the switches turn the knobs! Shoot the lasers! Fly to Mars! A Little car for a little guy! That’s what daddy said! The trees are moving…no it’s me! Just like daddy turn the wheels! V room…V room…V room! I’m really flying! A terrified shout! “Get Him Out!” Pulled out the door…” Now I’m Afraid”! The car goes over the cliff…rolls down to the road…jumps the guard rail…disappears in the woods! What where you doing? “Why were you in there?” “Why were you in there?” “That was our New Car!” The questions come too fast to think! I could only sob, “A little car for a little guy?” “Here you take him!” …thrown to my mother! Daddy runs down the path the bug made. “Take him!” tossed to my sister! Into the house I’m dragged! “I’ll teach you to touch other people’s things!” She turns on the stove. “I’ll teach you!” She drags my hand closer to the fl...

 Sometimes I feel like I didn't come back the last time I died (#3). I am forced to watch my mom slip into oblivion knowing that I can't stop it. There's no dragon to fight. Nothing I can have at. Worse, my older brother and sister are sitting on their collective asses cheering for me and mom to fail. My brother lives with us and runs into his room and closes the door whenever mom needs help. I dress her. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I take her to her appointments. I change her depends. Today I even gave her a shower. And I worry about her bills and pay them. In short: I have all the responsibility of the head of a household without and of the perks. I own nothing. Nothing of my mom's will pass to me. Yet I am the only one who knows my duty to my parents. I f'd up the other day by letting someone know about my social anxiety problem. I was tired and not thinking straight. So I mentioned my score on the anxiety test. At least I did it under my alter-ego's ...

My Grandpa Thomas Enders was a 6'4" full blood Blackfoot. He worked for the railroad at Sayre Pennsylvania and was one of the children that were resettled in the early 1900's by the church. He was taught English and was beaten anytime he used his old name or language and was indoctrinated into the protestant religion and punished if he even mentioned his own religion. When my mom was four years old my Grandfather wanted to buy a farm just outside town. He and the entire family saved all of their money in a big pickle jar. So with the price of the farm saved, my Grandpa, Grandma, and all their kids drove to the farm so it would be a family event to buy it. When they arrived, the owner's wife told them that her husband wasn't home and that he would come to their house to discuss the sale. So my grandparent's went home to wait. My mother, being a normal little girl of about four, was playing with her doll on the front porch when the gentleman arrived. As he walked...

 Mom and Peg's daughter have set up a go fund me account in my name. A little angry because they used my email and info without me. I know that they were only thinking of me. I just don't like being humiliated like that. OK, I have nothing and we need the cash. God knows that I can't even get $40 to take mom to an appointment in Rochester tomorrow. 200 mile journey and the Rich Bastards set it for the end of the month knowing that 99% of low income people are broke. The Rochester Doctors are Elitist Scumbag Pigs with dubious parentage! Note to self remove this in case they find out where you are venting it will be used against you. Rick's after mom's property again.  OK Rick, if the mortgage has to be paid so you can sell mom and dads land, how about You, Your Daughters, Sue and her Son, help pay it off? If everyone of you would make a combined payment we would pay off the loan in about 5 years. NO? Of course not. That would be helping someone else besides your self...

 Blue was my best friend when I was 12. He was a weimaraner. He was shot and I operated on him to remove the bullet. His jaw was broken and I nursed him back to health. He would come look for me at school when he got loose. He protected me while I slept. No one could attack me while he was with me. So naturally he had to go. My family gave him away. We went to family concealing for a couple of days after the bloody sneakers affair. Three times. Each time the councilor allowed my family to blame (transfer) all of the family problems to Tim's dog. After all a dog can't fight back (and it hurt me) so a win, win, situation. Because he needed to be let out to use the bathroom; my mom, dad, and brother fought. Because when he didn't get fed he knocked over the garbage can my father and brother drank to excess. Because I was in school all day it was my fault when he got loose and came to the school looking for me or was brought home by the police. So one day, on a Saturday I came ...