9/27/22-9/29/22

 Sometimes I feel like I didn't come back the last time I died (#3).

I am forced to watch my mom slip into oblivion knowing that I can't stop it.

There's no dragon to fight.

Nothing I can have at.

Worse, my older brother and sister are sitting on their collective asses cheering for me and mom to fail.

My brother lives with us and runs into his room and closes the door whenever mom needs help.

I dress her.

I clean the house.

I do the dishes.

I take her to her appointments.

I change her depends.

Today I even gave her a shower.

And I worry about her bills and pay them.

In short: I have all the responsibility of the head of a household without and of the perks.

I own nothing.

Nothing of my mom's will pass to me.

Yet I am the only one who knows my duty to my parents.

I f'd up the other day by letting someone know about my social anxiety problem.

I was tired and not thinking straight. So I mentioned my score on the anxiety test.

At least I did it under my alter-ego's account on twitter.

The Go Fund Me is going exactly how I thought it would. No one cares.

Only thing they did was embarrass me on a national format!

If I had some money I'd donate to myself just so I wouldn't feel so neglected? Forgotten? Discarded? I don't know how to describe being me without sounding completely nuts. Maybe I am.

After all I write in this knowing no-one will read it.

That's kinda crazy from a certain point of view.

This is hell.

I got access to my mom's go fund me and got rid of her plea or pitch or whatever its called. She made me look like some kind of saint.

OK, that's how all moms look at their sons.

I am the first to tell anyone that I am not a saint.

I don't really care because I don't expect anything.

OK, I care but it doesn't matter because I don't matter. 

Aunt Gail and Tater just called and offered to help. To talk, sit with mom, anything.

We (mom and I) spent the afternoon with them and they want to know if mom has been diagnosed with parkinsin disease or brain damage.

Just a stroke and she is getting worse everyday.

I feel like crying because Aunt Gail said she was proud of me and the way I was taking care of her sister.

I think that means more to me than the offer to help take care of mom.

So this morning was fun.

Mom got up and dressed herself, even changed her own depends.

She was almost normal.

She is sun downing. So by noon I was back to dressing her and taking her to the bathroom.

The best part is for some unknown reason our Internet connection was laging. So my brother comes out of his room with his breakfast dishes and insists that I stop using my computer so that he could watch his shows.

The guy's a physcho, my computer wasn't even on.

However as its me, I must be to blame because its easier that way.

Going on twitter to see what's new. Besides my god like power to inhibit my brothers TV.

Took mom to the emergency room.

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