Et tu Brother?

I was 15. 

We were going to the movies!
I had a date!
Michelle from up the road!
Every time she walked by, she said “I love you!”
Someone LOVED ME!
The night came.
Raymond didn’t have a date.
Hard to believe as every girl in the family was fucking him.
So, Michelle called one of her friends.
The girl wasn’t pretty.
That was Peggy’s doing.
Raymond and Peggy lived together at Peggy’s house.
My Aunt allowed it although Peggy was only thirteen!
We drove into Elmira.
I was so happy!
Michelle sat on my lap in the truck!
I was fifteen and only Raymond had a license to drive.
We would go get some marijuana, so what, if that’s what it takes to have Michelle love me, so be it!
Raymond was being a prick.
He laid out a plan, on how we would take them parking and how we would switch.
I wasn’t stupid.
I knew he was jealous of me being with the best-looking girl!
But what he didn’t know was that Michelle’s friend was listening to him.
He hurt her feelings bad.
So, we left for home.
All the way home, all I thought was, “Raymond’s being such a prick!”
We started to smoke the pot as we drove Raymond’s date home.
Well, if Michelle liked it, I would give it a try!
She moved close to me as we smoked.
Well Tim this is the only chance you’ll get tonight.
So, I reached around and stroked her breast as she moved against me.
It was great!
I’d never done anything like this before!
It felt so soft and was getting so hard?
I didn’t know anything; I was a virgin I had only seen sex on TV.
She pressed even closer; I tried to kiss her but with her on my lap I couldn’t reach around.
I still felt like I was in heaven!
She loved me!
She moved her bra down so I could get closer to her breasts.
All the way to her friends, and all the way back to Watkins I reveled in her body.
This was first base!
I was at First base!
Maybe I wasn’t a looser after all!
Timbo, I’ll take you home next!
“No, I want to make sure Michelle gets home.” I knew what he wanted.
I’d leave and he’d be all over her!
She would be just another girl to add to his collection.
“No, I want Tim to take me home!”
She really did like me!
Raymond was pissed!
Shot down twice in one night!
I was in Heaven; no girl ever showed any interest in me before!
And they never chose me over someone else before!
We arrived at her home, just up the hill from my house.
She straightened her clothes and gave me a quick goodnight kiss!
A second for me my first goodnight kiss!
On the way back down the road, Raymond wanted to know why I was so stoked.
“I got to second base tonight!”
“Oh, got a stinky finger huh?”
“No, I felt her boobs!” “And she unhooked her bra for me to do it!”
“She really likes me!”
Some people can tell a lie without showing a sign.
He said that “I was the Man!” He acted so happy for me.
Why shouldn’t I believe him?
After all he was screwing half my cousins!
He didn’t need another one.
The next morning, I received a call from Michelle.
She never wanted to see me again.
Raymond in his jalousie had told my aunt that I got a “Stinky Finger from Michelle.” She spread it around our town with Peggy’s help. When it got back to Michelle, there was nothing I could do. She was humiliated.
It was my fault for trusting Raymond.
She wouldn’t talk to me.
Then about a month later, Raymond came to the house looking for my brother. They were going to a party. He said Rick was already there. I asked if I could come. Sure Timbo, all Ya need is a date. It’s couples only!
He knew I didn’t know anyone that would go with me. I still see that grin he had as he walked away. He was my brother's friend not mine. And if he knew Rick was already there, why was he here? Except to rub it in; they were up to something.
Later that night around 1:00 am, as I lay in bed, I heard Rick getting back from the party.
I looked outside.
He was with Michelle.
Peggy had set them up.
He was twenty and being divorced by his first wife, she was fourteen and Peggy set them up.
They knew how I felt.
And Peggy set it up!
I was crushed.
Mom and dad were in Tennessee with my sister.
She walked down the hall past my door, “Sneezing”, so I would hear her.
“Is it all right?”
“Tim’s asleep, he won’t hear anything!” they climbed the ladder to the attic.
I heard his bed springs start to squeak.
I was heartbroken.
No-one loved me.
I was happy just getting to first base, because I thought she loved me.
He was FUCKING HER!
All he wanted was to get off!
I grabbed my clothes and ran out of the house.
I didn’t stop running until I reached the lake two miles away.
I wanted to throw myself in.
“That wouldn’t work. I was too good of a swimmer.”
I sat on the break water and cried.
What was wrong with me?
Why was I garbage that no girl wanted?
Why am I still alive if God hates me so much?
I wanted to kill my brother.
No…no-matter what I’m no murderer.
No-matter if they deserve it, “I wouldn’t do it!”
Around noon I went home finally exhausting my tears.
She wasn’t there. (Thank God or I might have taken his life that day.)
I pretended I knew nothing about that night.
Why give him the satisfaction.
She was just another notch on his bed frame.
And Raymond knew.
Why let them know that they killed a large part of me that night; A part that has never returned.
Don’t trust anyone.
Don’t believe in anyone.
There is no “Justice” in this world!
Don’t let anyone see inside you.
Just go to your room, look out the window, listen to the birds, and dream of someone that loves you.
Even if you’re always alone just push it to the back of your mind.
I believe in love.
I just need to hang on.
I know she’ll find me.
Please God, let her find me!
Forty years later and I’m still dreaming.