Timothy Joslyn

 After my mom had her implant removed she received an extension from the governor so that she could sue the manufacturers of her multiple failed implants. Well the wife of one of the manufacturers CEO's (Dow Corning) sued because the silicone nodules made it painful for her to smoke a cigarette. She received $25,000,000. So we hoped for at least a million. Page (one of the lawyers working for Ray Schulater) said that we had already won one of the suits for 5 million and that we were waiting for the judge to release the payment. Then of course the corporations paid off the government so they could declare bankruptcy and not have to pay for their crimes. So Schulater brow beat my mom into signing away her right to sue and to be placed in the bogus class action BS for 15 years. At least that was my opinion when it happened. More on this later. Mom and I would walk downtown to Montour falls for recreation (because we couldn't afford gas for the car). It's about five miles away ...

 So the politicians and their scientists are worried about children developing depression and anxiety from being forced to take school lessons via computers. We have a nut case with his finger on the nuclear button in Russia and we are worried because some kids had to social distance to save their life's. In fifth grade when every other little boy was drawing cars; I was drawing bomb shelters and trying to invent a positive airflow system so my mom wouldn't die from fallout. I used to sneak out of the house and walk the streets all night because I was afraid to sleep. I had my own copy of the geological survey map for central NY so I could calculate the safe altitude of a nuclear blast over the surrounding cities that would keep my home safe from the blast wave. 400' BTW. A large reason for me being so screwed up can be traced directly to the mammoth amount of anxiety I was under from my government and the rest of the nuclear crazy's out there. I couldn't get into s...

  Mom wanted chili for breakfast today. She used her walker to go to the bathroom with only minimal help from me. We sat out on the front porch for most of the morning listening to our willows whisper.  She wanted to know where I would travel to if I could. Or more likely she wants to know what I am going to do when she is gone and I have no-place to go. I told her that I would travel the world and see all the places we have talked about. I lied. I will probably end my days cold and lonely under a bridge someplace. I screwed up. Somehow I missed paying the garbage bill for the last three months(counting this month) and Cardinal will not let me pay online. So I guess I need to find a new garbageman. I know why. I've been on the run going back and forth to hospitals like a chicken with its head cut off and missed that confirmation button when I made the payments. Not really an excuse. But they haven't been that great of a service anyway. You can't count on what time t...

I watch the fog rolling down the valley. Like a cup leaking from the bottom, the mists seem to flow down the sides of my valley revealing those living there. One by one the houses appear. As I watch I lose myself in thought. My memories are like this fog. It starts with a small glimpse of an object. I concentrate on the unknown thing I see inside my memory. What is it? Slowly it gains definition. A shape: a spiral? I concentrate and it comes into focus: A spring? With this the flood gates open. I see the playground. I smell the grass. I feel the warmth on my skin. The sun is out. The sky is blue! I see kids playing. One by one I recognize the faces. I know them. What are their names? Then we’re laughing, the girls are screaming in pretend fear as we chase them! “MMmmm!” smacking my lips like I’m going to kiss her! Donna and Michelle duck under a picnic table! With my turtle I chase them! “My turtles gonna Kiss You!” Did they like me or was it my turtle? Well, my turtle was prett...

Dad Yes, it’s my fault again! Howard did the drugs; Howard put himself in the hospital! But it’s my fault! Gail calls me and I tell her she should tell the truth. My dad has mild dementia! He’s not stupid! If you lie, he will find out sooner or later. I will not lie to him! So, I say nothing to him about where mom has gone! My mom comes home and confirms Gail’s report. “Mom you shouldn’t lie.” I tell her. “If you lie, mark my words, somehow it will be your fault!” “I’ll give you to next week then I am going to tell dad the truth about Howard OD'ing on heroin.” I didn’t need to. Gail called dad and spilled the whole story the next morning! “Well, it wasn’t the first time” Dad said he knew of another O.D. too! Then they came down on Gail like a “ton” of bricks! Well of course! She should have lied! He was a Boy Scout leader! They want nothing to do with her! After all she did the right thing! But she knows too many secrets…too many skeletons from their closet! They have to use k...

      So, I faced my daemons (or at least the one I remember) I did the hardest task that has ever befallen a person in history to do. The trials of Hercules were like lifting a feather in comparison to what I did. What did I do? I remembered and “told” someone. I had just been shot and my memory is full of holes. I realize most are from my injury, however many were made by myself, so that I could survive my life. I remembered my cousin raping me at the creek. I tried to hide it, bury it, and forget it. But now I couldn’t stop re-living it every time I tried to sleep. So, I had my mother drive me to the outreach program that was next to Saint Mary’s. I do not know where the strength I had came from. I do know that I couldn’t have talked without it. Yet somehow it was there and I talked. I don’t remember how long. When I was done my mother took me home. I slept for 3 days. I went to counseling but it couldn’t help. After all, how many men do you know who have been raped? A...

It was the Halloween before I was shot. I was alone as usual. Kevin had moved to Rochester so no friends. My family is convinced that I am beating up my dad and haven’t been shy of telling anyone who will carry the story. I must be a real pro at it as I leave no marks on him. As if with these huge ham hocks that are my fists wouldn’t bruse him. I did throw a plastic spoon at him once and it stuck in his arm! Just a regular plastic spoon, not a spork, and from about 20 feet away too. A billion to one shot. Yet I can’t pick a winning lotto number. Go figure. Well…. Everything was being destroyed or is falling apart for me. They blamed me for getting my mom and dad to move back home. We lived better here on welfare than we lived in Florida with me working a full-time job! At least we didn’t have to eat milk and rice everyday anymore. And mom had the implant that ruptured removed and was healing slowly from the silicon poisoning from the burst breast implant. Breast Cancer Sucks. The ...